Дети мужа от первого брака советы психолога: Как принять детей мужа от первого брака

Что делать, если я ненавижу ребенка мужа от первого брака

Вступая в новые отношения с мужчиной, у которого уже есть ребёнок, очень часто бывает нелегко принять его. Причём негативное отношение к ребёнку начинает формироваться подневольно. Женщина изначально пытается увидеть в ребёнке черты прошлой жены или подруги. И начинается ревность. Бесконтрольная, порой приводящая к разрушению отношений.

Откуда появляется ненависть к ребёнку

Ненависть может быть связана с желанием женщины всецело подчинить мужчину себе и своей жизни. Это распространённое поведение у тех дам, которые имеют низкую самооценку и боятся, что ребёнок будет всегда напоминать отцу прошлую жизнь, бывшую жену (маму малыша). Женщина, несмотря на то что в ней заложен материнский инстинкт, начинает невольно настраивать нового мужа (поклонника) против себя. Она вербально и невербально выдаёт своё недовольство в тот момент, когда ребёнок находится вместе с ними. Если на первых порах поведение можно скрыть, особенно не общаясь, то уже позже, когда приходится взаимодействовать, а в некоторых случаях и жить вместе, плохое отношение женщины к ребёнку своего супруга может стать трагедией для всех троих.

В некоторых случаях особенную агрессию проявляют женщины, у которых нет детей. Видя сына или дочку своей второй половины, они начинают испытывать чувства ревности, зависти и одновременно отчаяния. Малыш воспринимается как человек, разлучающий её с мужем. «Ему — внимание, забота, финансовая помощь» — всё это чувствует женщина, испытывая сильнейшее негодование при малейшем упоминании о сыне или дочери своего нового мужчины.

Часто «масло в огонь» подливает окружение дамы. Подружки, родственники — все пытаются показать, что лучше встречаться и жить с мужчиной без детей. Это ещё больше дестабилизирует ситуацию, и дама действительно начинает ощущать себя обделённой, несчастной, вторым сортом.

Безусловно, ненависть к чужим детям испытывают не все. Есть вполне счастливые пары, которые сумели выстроить отношения и прийти к взаимопониманию. Но это редкость. По мнению семейных психологов, проблема непринятия детей от предыдущих браков – это одна из самых распространённых тем консультаций. И в 80% конфликтные ситуации заканчиваются расставанием пары. Если вы думаете, что мотивом завершения отношения становится чадо, то вы ошибаетесь. Оно является косвенной причиной, пусковым механизмом к скандалам и отдалению в паре.

Как принять ребёнка мужа от первого брака: советы психолога

Психологи утверждают, что нервное и скандальное поведение новой жены или подруги папы действует на малыша чуть ли не сильнее, чем развод родителей. Дело в том, что дети очень тяжело переживают расставание мамы и папы и всеми силами пытаются удержать прежнюю семейную ситуацию. Они искренне радуются, когда мама и папа вновь вместе, когда удаётся вместе отпраздновать праздник или пойти на прогулку. И когда они видят новую жену отца с её недовольством, претензиями, неправильным поведением, они порой ведут себя агрессивно.

Также психологи утверждают, что если вы встречаетесь с мужчиной, у которого была семья, то стоит попробовать абстрагироваться от того, что у него был когда-то совместный быт с другой женщиной.

Это непросто. Иногда приходится ходить на консультации, чтобы принять сам факт того, что у мужчины была другая жизнь и есть обязательства к детям. Многие психологи также рекомендуют не пытаться заменить маму отпрыску. Дело в том, что у него также не будет сразу особенных чувств к чужой женщине, и излишняя навязчивость станет только пунктом разобщённости между новой дамой и дитем.

Ещё одна распространённая ошибка, которую допускают сами мужчины — навязывать женщине часто совместный досуг. Как показывает практика, если отношения напряжённые, то совместные походы по магазинам, прогулки лишь усугубят ситуацию. Лучше всего деликатно спросить женщину, что она думает, если в следующие выходные сын или дочка побудут с вами. Если она ответит, что не хочет их видеть, то это не повод, чтобы не общаться с детьми, но стоит продумать вариант общения без новой жены. Можно пойти в зоопарк или на прогулку, оставив новую подругу распоряжаться выходным по своему усмотрению.

Таким образом, вы не будете насильно заставлять женщину быть с вами и одновременно не будете травмировать дитё. Одно из опасных поведений — это начать пренебрегать ребёнком в угоду новым отношениям. Женщина не должна видеть, что вы готовы ради неё бросить сына или дочку. При этом стоит объяснить ей, что малыш — неразрывная часть вашей жизни, часть вашего прошлого семейного опыта.

Отпустить ситуацию и жить спокойно!

Это, пожалуй, один из вариантов, который позволит, наладить отношения с дитем от предыдущего брака. Если вам дорог ваш мужчина, то стоит взглянуть на малыша, как на продолжение вашего мужа. Абстрагируясь от бывшей жены, их привычек, вы должны понимать — строите вы свою жизнь, свои взаимоотношения, а малыш — это часть жизни мужа, которая уже ПРОШЛА. Стало ли его рождение плодом безумной любви, неудачным стечением обстоятельств или случайностью — всё это в ПРОШЛОМ. Психологи уверяют, что взаимоотношения мачехи и детей можно нормализовать, если постепенно, дозировано давать им общаться. Главное — исключать ненависть, именно она наносит травмы и незаживающие раны всем участникам подобной истории.

Перестать тревожиться и попробовать протянуть руку навстречу ребёнку

Если вам дороги взаимоотношения с мужчиной, то самое лучшее — это закрыть глаза на то, что он был когда-то женат. Если мужчина хорошо относится к сыну или дочери от предыдущего брака – это хороший признак. Значит, он ответственный, умеет любить и заботиться. Подумайте сами, не стало бы вас настораживать, если бы он бросил своего ребёнка, начал плохо о нём отзываться. Ведь это знак того, что он не любит брать ответственность и не имеет отцовских чувств. Какую семью и серьёзные отношения можно планировать с таким человеком?! Следует помнить: то, как мужчина относится к старикам и детям — очень яркая характеристика его самого.

90000 12 Skills That Good Parents Have (Backed by Science) 90001 90002 90003 90003 90005 90002 Do you want to have good parenting skills? 90005 90002 Of course you do. 90005 90002 You want to help your children make the most of their potential, and you want them to be contributing members of society. 90005 90002 But it’s time-consuming to sift through all the parenting tips out there. 90005 90002 What makes it more confusing is that the tips from different «parenting experts» are often contradictory! 90005 90002 I wanted to know what parenting skills and tips have been proven to be effective.So I read through all the scientific articles I could find. 90005 90002 Based on many hours of research, I’ve come up with this list of 12 good parenting skills. (If you’d like to discover another three skills effective parents have, download the free bonus below.) 90005 90020 Parenting skill # 1: Focus more on your children’s positive behaviour than negative behaviour. 90021 90002 Yale University psychology professor Alan Kazdin explains that parents should be intentional about focusing more on their children’s positive behaviour than on their negative behaviour.90023 [1] 90024 90005 90002 The more parents scold or reprimand, the more the bad behaviour gets repeated. 90005 90002 When they receive a lot of scolding, children start to internalise the belief that «I’m a bad child who misbehaves and gets scolded». 90005 90002 As such, they do not feel motivated to correct their behaviour, because it has already become a part of their identity. 90005 90002 Effective parents understand that the better approach is to acknowledge or describe their children’s good behaviour when they see it.90005 90002 You may have to go out of your way to do this, but you’ll soon observe your children’s behaviour improving. 90005 90020 Parenting skill # 2: Teach your children to focus on the needs of others. 90021 90002 Lara Aknin’s research shows that children find happiness through giving to others. 90023 [2] 90024 90005 90002 In fact, children find greater happiness when they give to others 90043 sacrificially 90044. 90005 90002 These are interesting findings, because most of us are naturally self-centred.We look out for our own needs before the needs of others. 90005 90002 But the research indicates that if we overcome our selfish nature and focus on the needs of others, we’ll be happier. 90005 90002 If you want your children to lead joyful, fulfilling lives, teach them to serve others and contribute. Involve them in activities where they get to help others and make a positive impact. 90005 90002 When your children think more in terms of contribution and less in terms of achievement, they’ll be on the path of building a happy and successful life.90005 90020 Parenting skill # 3: Do not shout at your children. 90021 90002 90057 90057 90005 90002 You’ve probably already told yourself that you should not shout at your children. 90005 90002 But when your children are driving you up the wall, it is not easy to stop yourself from yelling. 90005 90002 Ming-Te Wang’s research findings are clear: The more you shout at your children, the more their behaviour will worsen. 90023 [3] 90024 90005 90002 Instead of trying to control your children’s behaviour, understand their perspective and feelings.Then use logical reasoning to get through to them. 90005 90002 If you have trouble controlling your anger, try these tips: 90005 90072 90073 Make a firm decision that you will not shout at your children unless it’s a matter of safety 90074 90073 Decide beforehand what you’ll do if you start to become angry 90074 90073 Walk away from the situation if necessary 90074 90073 Take five deep breaths when you become agitated 90074 90073 Avoid using threats 90074 90073 Analyse the role you have to play in the conflict 90074 90073 Think about what unmet needs your child has, so that you can get to the root of the issue, e.g. he might feel as if he has no control over his life, which explains his rebellious behaviour 90074 90087 90020 Parenting skill # 4: Give your children responsibilities around the house. 90021 90002 The Harvard Study of Adult Development is one of the longest longitudinal studies ever done. 90005 90002 One finding of the study is that children who do more chores around the house become happier later on. 90023 [4] 90024 90005 90002 Household responsibilities teach children important life lessons related to duty, cooperation, community and hard work.90005 90002 People who learn such lessons early in life are more likely to become well-adjusted adults. 90005 90002 Successful parents make household chores a part of the family’s routine and culture. This sets children up for future success. 90005 90020 Parenting skill # 5: Build a strong relationship with your spouse. 90021 90002 Children from low-conflict families are happier and more successful in the long run, as compared to children from high-conflict families. 90023 [5] 90024 90005 90002 The research shows that parents who have a healthy marriage are more likely to raise children who are well-adjusted.90005 90002 One of the most important things you can do to benefit your children is to build a strong relationship with your spouse. 90005 90002 I do not claim to be a marriage expert, but here are some pieces of advice I’ve received that have helped my wife and I to build a strong marriage: 90005 90072 90073 Focus on solving problems instead of assigning blame 90074 90073 Remember that the relationship is more important than being right 90074 90073 Whenever possible, sit side-by-side when you’re at a restaurant or café 90074 90073 Make time to talk every day 90074 90073 Ask «What can I 90043 give 90044 to the relationship?» more often than you ask «What can I 90043 get 90044 from the relationship?» 90074 90073 Discuss your future plans together 90074 90073 Do not pick on your spouse’s flaws 90074 90073 Compliment your spouse in front of other people 90074 90073 Occasionally ask your spouse, «What can I do to be a better husband / wife?» 90074 90073 Do not compare your marriage with other people’s marriages 90074 90073 Be kind and polite to your spouse 90074 90087 90020 Parenting skill # 6: Teach your children to view challenges positively.90021 90002 90145 90145 90005 90002 Renowned psychologist Carol Dweck has spent decades trying to understand how your mindset affects how successful you become. 90005 90002 She has found that people who view challenges and obstacles positively are far more likely to become successful than those who do not. 90023 [6] 90024 90005 90002 Successful people look at challenges and think: «It’s going to be hard, but it’s going to be fun. I’m going to learn a lot through the process of overcoming these challenges.»90005 90002 On the other hand, people who are not so successful look at challenges and think: «It’s going to be hard, so I’d rather do something easier. I’ll try to avoid these challenges, but if I really can not I’ll find a shortcut instead. » 90005 90002 These differing attitudes develop in childhood and adolescence. As such, good parents hone their skill of enabling their children to view challenges positively. 90005 90020 Parenting skill # 7: Do not do things for your children that your children should do themselves.90021 90002 Parents want their children to be responsible and independent. 90005 90002 But, at the same time, they feel the urge to supervise their children closely and do things for their children that their children ought to do themselves. 90005 90002 This explains the prevalence of helicopter parents. 90005 90002 Larry Nelson’s research shows that helicopter parenting causes children to become less engaged in school, and causes their well-being to suffer too. 90023 [7] 90024 90005 90002 A good parenting skill to develop is how 90043 not 90044 to be a helicopter parent.90005 90002 Here are some ways to ensure you do not become a helicopter parent: 90005 90072 90073 Do not do things for your children that are their own responsibility 90074 90073 Let your children make age-appropriate choices 90074 90073 Let your children deal with the natural consequences of their choices 90074 90073 As far as possible, refrain from saying «You’re too young to …» 90074 90073 Do not allow your children to become the centre of your universe 90074 90073 Let your children fail 90074 90073 Ask your children, «How do you think you might be able to solve the problem?» 90074 90087 90020 Parenting skill # 8: Help your children develop social skills.90021 90002 Researchers tracked more than 750 children over a period of 13 to 19 years. They found a correlation between the children’s social skills as kindergarteners and how self-confident and successful they were as adults. 90023 [8] 90024 90005 90002 These findings highlight the importance of teaching children social skills. 90005 90002 Here’s a list of social skills that you can help your children develop: 90005 90072 90073 Sharing 90074 90073 Giving feedback 90074 90073 Accepting differences 90074 90073 Respecting others ‘rights and property 90074 90073 Identifying others ‘feelings 90074 90073 Seeing things from others ‘perspective 90074 90073 Making eye contact 90074 90073 Managing negative emotions 90074 90073 Listening 90074 90073 Not interrupting 90074 90073 Resolving conflicts 90074 90073 Disagreeing respectfully 90074 90073 Cooperating 90074 90073 Helping others 90074 90073 Complimenting others 90074 90073 Being polite 90074 90073 Asking for help 90074 90087 90002 In addition, here’s a handy resource that’s filled with activities to teach children social skills.90005 90020 Parenting skill # 9: Guide your children without controlling or micromanaging them. 90021 90002 90245 90245 90005 90002 Psychologist Diana Baumrind has done years of research about the effects of different parenting styles on children. 90023 [9] 90024 90005 90002 She concluded that there are three types of parenting styles in general: 90005 90072 90073 90043 Permissive 90044: The parent is too lenient and gives in to the child’s unreasonable demands too often. The parent does not set consistent boundaries or rules.Children with permissive parents often become «spoiled». 90074 90073 90043 Authoritarian 90044: The parent is too strict, and is frequently harsh and uncompromising. The parent often coerces or forces the child into doing things. Children with authoritarian parents often become resentful and rebellious in the long run. 90074 90073 90043 Authoritative 90044: The parent is «just right», showing warmth and affection toward the child without being indulgent. The parent sets boundaries for the child, but is willing to compromise or negotiate if the situation calls for it.All else being equal, children with authoritative parents are the most likely to lead happy, successful lives. 90074 90087 90002 Furthermore, Wendy Grolnick’s research also indicates that children who are raised by controlling parents are less independent and are less likely to develop problem solving skills. 90023 [10] 90024 90005 90002 Of course, it’s easier said than done for parents to adopt an authoritative parenting style all the time. But the research shows that this is the most effective approach to take.90005 90002 So make an effort to guide and coach your children, without being controlling. 90005 90020 Parenting skill # 10: Give your children a sense of security. 90021 90002 Research by Lee Raby indicates that children who have a strong sense of security early on in life go on to perform better in school. These children also go on to have healthier relationships in adulthood. 90023 [11] 90024 90005 90002 This may seem like an obvious finding, but it’s interesting to note that early experiences have such a profound impact on a child’s development.90005 90002 To give your children a sense of security, do the following: 90005 90072 90073 Show affection toward them 90074 90073 Appreciate them 90074 90073 Treat them with respect 90074 90073 Acknowledge their feelings 90074 90073 Set consistent boundaries 90074 90073 Give them your full attention when you’re with them 90074 90073 Be approachable 90074 90073 Remind them that you love them unconditionally 90074 90073 Keep your promises 90074 90073 Be dependable and trustworthy 90074 90087 90020 Parenting skill # 11: Help your children to develop resilience and perseverance.90021 90002 Psychologist Angela Duckworth has found that grit — defined as «perseverance and passion for long-term goals» — is one of the most important traits that leads to success. 90023 [12] 90024 90005 90002 When it comes to long-term success, the research indicates that grit is more important than factors like IQ and talent. 90005 90002 How can you help your children to develop grit? 90005 90002 Here are some suggestions: 90005 90072 90073 Emphasise progress over perfection 90074 90073 Encourage them to take on manageable challenges 90074 90073 Emphasise effort over outcome 90074 90073 Model for them what it means to be gritty 90074 90073 Show them that you’re continually taking risks and getting outside your comfort zone 90074 90073 Talk about the challenges you face and what you’re doing to overcome them 90074 90073 Focus more on contribution and less on achievement 90074 90073 Let them make mistakes 90074 90087 90020 Parenting skill # 12: Manage your own stress effectively.90021 90002 90341 90341 90005 90002 A fascinating study conducted by Marilyn Essex shows that parents ‘stress can affect their children’s genes for many years into the future. 90023 [13] 90024 90005 90002 This highlights how vital it is for parents to manage their own stress effectively. 90005 90002 Stress affects you, but it also affects your children! 90005 90002 I’ve heard it said that stress is a fact of life, but that it should never become a way of life. 90005 90002 Managing stress is a huge topic on its own.So if you’re under a lot of stress, I encourage you to check out this article and this article for practical tips on how parents can manage their stress better. 90005 90020 Conclusion 90021 90002 You’re committed to developing the skills needed to be a good, effective, and even world-class parent. 90005 90002 How do I know this? 90005 90002 You’ve made it to the end of this 2,000-word article. That’s something only committed parents would do. 🙂 90005 90002 As you implement the tips listed in this article, you’ll become a better parent.90005 90002 (Download the free bonus below to learn three more skills you ought to develop.) 90005 90002 Over time, you’ll observe your children becoming more responsible, resilient and self-motivated. 90005 90002 And you will not have to nag them anymore either. 90005 90002 Of course, this is a journey that will take time and effort. But it’ll be worth it! 90005 90002 90043 Like this article? Share it with your friends. 90044 90005 .90000 second child syndrome: The destructive power of another child can tip the balance in a relationship 90001 90002 A second child is traditionally seen as completing the happy family unit, but as Gillian Adams discovered, it can also tip the balance in a strained relationship 90003 90004 90004 90002 The arrival of a second child — especially if they are born soon after the first (which is often the case now that so many women are becoming mothers later) — can often be a tipping point for a relationship that already has cracks 90003 90002 I realised my marriage was doomed the night we brought our second baby, Jake, home from hospital.As I struggled in the small hours to quiet the colicky, 24-hour-old boy in my arms, my husband Alex appeared in the sitting room, his face like thunder. ‘What’s wrong with this child?’ He demanded, almost demented with tiredness — and also with something I did not recognise at the time but now know to be the awful sense that, with a second child hot on the heels of the first, life as he knew it was over. 90003 90002 As I sat there — a day after giving birth, numb with exhaustion, my body still recovering from labour — I did not have the strength to confront Alex and hoped his horrifying reaction to our son would morph into something more positive after some good sleep.90003 90002 Sadly, it did not. Mirroring celebrity couples such as Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson (who ended their engagement in 2010 with children Ruby and Dexter aged just two and one) and Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren (whose marriage famously imploded in 2009 after the revelation of his rampant infidelity when children Sam and Charlie were aged just two and ten months), our union collapsed amid the strain of having ‘two under two’. 90003 90002 The second child, according to Susanna Abse, director of the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, is in no way to blame personally.90003 90002 But their arrival — especially if they are born soon after the first (which is often the case now that so many women are becoming mothers later) — can often be a tipping point for a relationship that already has cracks. 90003 90002 ‘The same feelings of resentment can be aroused with the first child, but they are often counterbalanced by joy at the newness of it all,’ she says. ‘When the second one comes along, the competition of needs can just be too much. Sleep is such a basic need, and when it is taken away from us as new parents, it can push us into a childlike state where we do not deal with our partner as we should.’90003 90002 Once there were two children to contend with, Alex felt suffocated by the pressure of being the breadwinner 90003 90002 Karen Woodall, director of the Centre for Separated Families, adds:’ When children come close together, you extend the period you spend attending to very little babies. Life can end up being about feeding, nappy changing and grabbing the little sleep it’s possible to get. Meanwhile, your relationship goes out of the window and you find yourself partners in a sleepless world.’90023 With our two beautiful babies — a much envied’ one of each ‘- and both in our early 30s, it should have been the happiest time of our lives. ‘They’ll be like twins!’ I’d gushed when I became pregnant again when our daughter Anna was just nine months old. But the child who was intended to complete our ‘perfect’ family instead sealed its demise; just over three years after that awful first night, Alex and I are getting divorced. 90003 90002 I can now see that, for him, one baby was like an accessory — hard work, yes, but also a manageable entity that he could show off to his friends and feel manly about.Though Alex had never been the type to change nappies at 3am, there had been a real sense of joy surrounding Anna’s arrival. 90023 Seeing photos now of Alex beaming with her strapped to him in the BabyBjörn sling, I hardly recognise him. As a family of three, we had travelled a lot. If we stayed with friends for a weekend, Anna would sleep in the room with us and, even when we were woken in the night, we were both able to take it in our stride. And with one of her and two of us, we could play ‘pass the parcel’ — ‘You have Anna this morning while I go for a run, I’ll watch her in the afternoon so you can get your hair cut’ — enabling us both to retain a ‘life’ beyond parenthood.90003 90002 But where one baby felt to Alex like an exciting, if exhausting, new adventure, two children felt like ‘a family’, and not in a wholly positive way. Our new situation as a cosy unit of four — something which, to me, had always represented the ideal — represented to him pressure, responsibility and unrelenting hard work, at home now as well as at work. 90003 90002 The image Alex so prized of himself as a young man-about-town was in total opposition to the mundane reality of taking offspring to the playground and picking bits of fish finger off the kitchen floor.Things that seemed totally ‘normal’ to me, such as going to the supermarket as a foursome on a Saturday morning, made him cringe; the scores of other Identikit young families doing exactly the same made him feel unbearably dull. Once there were two children to contend with, reality set in; it almost felt as though we had been ‘playing’ at being parents before. 90003 90002 We began to have fraught conversations about how we were going to budget for school fees. Suddenly, Alex felt suffocated by the pressure of being the breadwinner.90003 90034 90034 90002 The immense pressure on parents today adds to the challenge couples face to make their own relationships work 90003 90002 More than anything, though, I can now see that Jake’s arrival completed my conversion from ‘wife’ to ‘mother’, and it was this change in the family dynamic that really killed us. When we’d just had Anna, it had been a case of a child and a husband and dividing my time between the two. But once there were two of one (kids) and just one of the other (husband), it was the collective force of the children that won out.While individually our children can be angelic, together, like most siblings, they turn into little monsters, fighting incessantly and competing for our attention. 90003 90002 Abse says: ‘All the energy goes into the parent-child relationship. Where there is vulnerability in this area, the cracks are usually established by the experience of adjusting to the first child and, depending on how deep they are, the second child can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. ‘90023 Before becoming parents, we both worked in the media and socialised and travelled extensively.Once the children arrived, I was only too happy to say goodbye to all that. As someone who had grown up in a very broken family, my life’s aim became creating the ideal setup I’d never had. 90023 The ‘fun’ of our pre-children existence was not that important to me, whereas for Alex it has always been a fundamental part of life, and our ability to share that mattered to him just as sharing the joy of the children did to me. 90003 90002 Alex felt rejected by me once the children took over and as though his needs came last (which, frankly, they did).He hated the fact that I was always tired and that even when I went out, I wanted to return home to bed early (with sleep, not sex, foremost in my mind). He despaired of the fact that I was more interested in talking about what had happened on that day’s playdate than what was happening in the world; and he felt that I did not ‘support’ him enough in his career, because I was more concerned with the children’s needs than worrying whether his suits were clean and his favourite foods in the fridge.I told him he should just accept this as the way it is when you have small children. He could not. 90023 90003 90002 The more I sensed Alex’s inability to cope the more I threw myself into mothering 90003 90002 Ironically, given that parents ‘needs are naturally going to take a back seat once they have tiny dependants in need of constant nurturing, Abse explains that: ‘The transition to parenthood is the time when adults too need most looking after, and if your partner can not do that for you, resentments build up.Men become childlike and withdrawn and go off and have affairs. Women become angry and bitter and feel abandoned with the babies. ‘90003 90002 Abse believes that the immense pressure on parents today adds to the challenge couples face to make their own relationship work. ‘People used to leave their babies napping in the garden for three hours while they went and had a rest themselves,’ she says, ‘but now we’re trying to juggle much higher parenting expectations. Something’s got to give, and what usually ends up giving is the relationship.’90003 90002 Even the strongest marriages are vulnerable to the pressures of second-child syndrome. When I tell other mothers that I am splitting up with my husband, a frequent response is, ‘I want to ditch mine too!’ And then I am regaled with some awful story of being abandoned with the kids while the lazy git went off on a boys-only excursion. But most marriages do weather this storm, as long as the husband can make his peace with being a grown-up. 90003 90055 90055 90002 Even the strongest marriages are vulnerable to the pressures of second-child syndrome 90003 90002 In our case, however, we became firmly entrenched in opposing roles — I, the self-sacrificing ‘martyr mum’, and he, the somewhat reluctant dad.The more I sensed Alex’s inability to cope and felt him retreat from us — even when he was there physically, he was vanishing emotionally, hiding behind his BlackBerry, looking put upon and regularly losing his temper — the more I threw myself into mothering. I wanted to give my children the unconditional attention I felt they were not getting from their father, and also to prove some point — to him, to them, to myself — that at least one of us was enthusiastic about family life. 90003 90002 As point scoring and ‘who’s more tired’ arguments dominated our marriage (with regular exchanges like: ‘I was up three times last night and then took them both swimming!’ ‘Well, I worked a ten-hour day to earn enough to pay for those swimming lessons! ‘), Alex resorted to infidelity as his ultimate escape.First on a business trip, next with an old friend he met at a wedding (I was there, but preoccupied with the logistics of looking after two children in a hotel). When I discovered the second affair, he admitted to the first and was, I think, relieved to be thrown out of the domestic nest that had become a prison for him. 90003 90002 We are now on cordial terms, for the sake of the children. Alex recently referred to our marriage, in an email to a mutual friend, as ‘a good marriage, but one that could not take the strain of two children too close together and a husband not mature enough to handle it’.I do not disagree. My anger and disappointment over the fact that he should have been able to handle it are just demons I’ll have to learn to live with. 90003 90002 I believe if we’d left a gap of more than three years between children, we’d still be together, but not happily (and probably not for much longer). Having two children in quick succession did not break us up. The intensity of that experience merely showed me that we were never right for each other in the first place: (almost) any couple can have a lovely time together on holiday, but the couple who can be happy parenting together is a couple who’ll stay together.90003 90002 Heartbreaking though divorce is, I would not swap one hair on either of my babies ‘heads for Alex. In the end, we were just incompatible — which is how I will always explain our split to Anna and Jake: ‘Mummy and Daddy liked doing different things.’ What brought that incompatibility to light will, I hope, seem less and less relevant as time goes on. 90023 90003 90070 Double without the trouble … 90071 90002 Karen Woodall, director of the Centre for Separated Families, and Susanna Abse, director of the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, give their advice on surviving second-child syndrome.90023 90003 90075 90076 90077 Protect yourselves from the loss of your relationship as a couple by scheduling time when others step in to look after the children and give you a night off — or, if you’re lucky, a weekend away. 90078 90079 90076 90077 When you get time off together, make sure you spend it as adults, not as parents. Your parenting relationship is what you do when you are with your children. Without them, you need to rediscover the spark that attracted you to each other in the first place.Take time to spend with each of your children one-to-one, so that you get to know them individually, rather than being overburdened by the strain of looking after two at once. 90078 90079 90076 90077 Enjoy letting a second child bring balance into your family: remember, now that there are four of you, one of you is no longer left out. 90078 90079 90076 90077 Aim for a three-year gap between children if you can — this will benefit the elder child’s development, the mother’s recovery from childbirth and the health of the couple relationship.90078 90079 90076 90077 Pay attention to the relationship and do not assume that problems will be resolved without energy and work. 90078 90079 90096 90002 Some names have been changed 90003 90002 90003.90000 Why I’ll always put my children before my husband … even though it’s already destroyed one relationship 90001 90002 Why I’ll always put my children before my husband … even though it’s already destroyed one relationship 90003 90004 By Lucy Cavendish 90005 Updated: 90006 13:08 BST, 5 April 2010 90007 90008 90004 When I had my first child 13 years ago, I had no idea it heralded the end of my relationship with his father. 90005 90008 90004 I did not know then that many men want their partner to put marriage first and children second.90008 90004 I put my child first and it cost me my relationship. And yet, even though I am now with another man and we have had three children, I still put my children before my marriage. 90005 90008 90004 Back then, though, life seemed simple. I had not thought that much about the choices I’d be unwittingly facing once I had my first child. I just assumed both my partner and myself would love this baby equally. 90008 90019 90019 90004 Priorities: Lucy Cavendish with her children, from left, Raymond, 13, Ottoline, two, Leonard, seven and Jerry, five 90008 90004 I thought we would all muddle along as a new family.It would be uproar, of course, but the dust would settle. I had no reason to think otherwise. 90005 90008 90004 While I was pregnant, my partner seemed delighted. He talked about the baby constantly. He patted my belly. He endlessly showed his friends the scan photos. 90005 90008 90004 At first, I think my partner accepted it — newborns do need constant attention — but as time went by, it became obvious that having a child had fundamentally changed me. 90008 90004 The focus of my life became my child and not my partner.Whereas before I would maybe cook him dinner or meet him from work and go out, I spent all day with my son and then, later, I no longer had the energy to cook or chat into the small hours. 90008 90004 We stopped going out much. I did not dress up in the way I used to, either. I could not see the point. Our life was about our child, was not it? 90008 90004 After a year or so, my partner told me he found the life change — my change — frustrating. He hated going to the ‘child-friendly’ restaurants I insisted we frequent.90005 90008 90004 He hated the children’s activities I arranged for us to do. He could not bear the fact that our life revolved around our child’s routines. Even the sound of me puree-ing the food I made for our son drove him mad. 90008 90040 90040 90004 Bond: Lucy with her daughter Ottoline, now two 90005 90008 90004 ‘You’re always cooking for him,’ my partner would say, as I’d mash up the umpteenth portion of organic butternut squash, ‘but there’s never any dinner for me! ‘ 90008 90004 I found this unbelievable.How could a grown man get so cross about something as small as a baby, 90048 his 90049 baby. 90005 90008 90004 As time went on, everything got worse. My partner ended up saying he hated the noise in the mornings, could not stand the mess, loathed the tantrums and could not seem to enjoy the quieter, happier times. He also seemed to fail to understand why all this — every minute of every day with my child — was so important to me. 90008 90004 ‘Why am 90048 I 90049 not important to you?’ he’d ask.The answer was he was important to me, just not as important as our child. 90008 90004 I cared so deeply about all of it. I wanted my child to be happy, fulfilled and not stuck in a corner, being seen and not heard. I would have moved mountains for him. When he was ill, I slept in the same room as him. 90005 90008 90004 When he wanted to do the same thing 20 times over — slide down a slide or get me to put together toy railway tracks for him — I did so without complaint. 90008 90004 I carried him for miles when his legs got tired on walks.I played hide-and-seek endlessly. I cajoled, persuaded, kissed. I have learnt more in these 13 years with my son than in the rest of my life put together. 90005 90008 90004 But my partner could not see this. He could not see how he, too, could learn and enjoy so much. All he could see was a life ruined and a wife taken away from him. So a decade ago we split up. 90008 90004 It was painful and horrible. But despite all this, when I hear people say ‘Put your marriage before your children’, I want to tell them they are wrong.90005 90008 90004 I would do it all again, regardless of what my child-centric attitude did to my relationship with my eldest son’s father. For I truly believe children should come before a marriage. 90008 90004 I have had three children since — Leonard, seven, Jerry, five, and Ottoline, two — with my husband and we both put the children first. If they were all drowning, I would rescue my children before my husband. 90008 90004 I would cry for them, lie for them, die for them. I would not do any of those things for my husband.90008 90004 90002 Why should women put their husbands before their children? Husbands are adults. They can make their own decisions, earn their own money, they can even tie their own shoelaces 90003 90008 90004 More than that, my husband would not do them for me. He shares my feelings about our children. They are the loves of our lives, in many ways above and beyond each other. 90008 90004 For me, my children are my world. And they are children; they can not do things that adults can do, such as always express themselves coherently.Children can be demanding, irrational, irritating. They break things and do the wrong thing countless times. If they were adults, you’d probably leave them and never see them again. 90008 90004 Your job, as a parent, is to try to help them negotiate life, not get into some attention battle with your partner. 90008 90004 I have seen grown men ask their small children to move at the family dinner table so that they can sit next to their wife. A man I knew who did this told me it was because the children needed to see him as being in charge.90008 90004 ‘I am the Alpha male,’ he told me. ‘My wife is my woman. She needs to be with me, and we are the children’s parents, not their slaves. That is why I insist on sitting next to her at dinner. ‘ 90008 90004 Yet my husband and I, when the children were younger, would sit with them to help them chop up food and eat. It never occurred to either of us not to do this. 90008 90004 I make time for my children. I listen to them. I bend over backwards for them. I cook them the food I know they like.I joke about with them, bathe with them (well, the smaller two). 90005 90008 90004 I spend a fortune on them. I spend almost no money on myself and not a lot on my husband, bar birthdays and Christmas. 90008 90004 I think my children smell nicer, look nicer and generally are nicer than most people. 90005 90008 90004 They are funny, too. If I had a choice, I would far rather spend my time with them than with any other person on this planet. 90008 90004 But all this means I have little energy left for the other areas of my life.I am generally exhausted by the time my husband comes home. I forget to cook for him. I forget to buy bottles of wine for us to share. Most of the time I can barely speak to him I am so tired. 90008 90004 I am not the only woman who does this. Every woman I know puts her children before her husband. She may not tell him that, but she does. 90008 90107 90107 90004 Happy families: Lucy, with sons Leonard, Raymond and Jeremiah, believes in putting her children before her marriage 90008 90004 But now, according to a new book, I am jeopardising everything, our very family’s existence, by not putting my husband first.Apparently, in order to get better-adjusted children, parents should put the welfare of their marriage before that of their children. 90008 90004 David Code, a family therapist and writer for the Wall Street Journal, says in his best-selling book To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First that adults should spend more time being a perfect spouse and less time being a perfect parent. 90008 90004 ‘We parents today are too quick to sacrifice our lives and our marriage for our kids,’ he writes.’But as we break our backs for our kids, our marriage and self-fulfilment go out of the window.’ 90008 90004 Yet, for me, putting a husband first is outmoded. Why should women put their husbands before their children? Husbands are adults. They can make their own decisions, earn their own money, they can even tie their own shoelaces. 90008 90004 Why on earth would they need a wife to do all these things? And why are we supposed to work so tirelessly on our marriages? Can not marriages take a back seat while the children are young? They’ll grow up soon enough, so why not give them the attention they deserve when they are young? 90008 90004 90002 The truth is, of course, that children are so much nicer than men.They smell better. They look cuter. They also love us unconditionally 90003 90005 90008 90004 What kind of life is it to go back to the working model our mothers — and certainly our grandmothers — had to stick to? 90008 90004 I remember asking my mother how marriages used to work, especially after women had children, and she told me that the traditional role of the wife was to put their husbands first. 90008 90004 Her own mother would make sure the children were in bed, then change into evening clothes, do her hair and make-up, and cook dinner.By the time my grandfather came home, there was a gin and tonic waiting for him and something delicious to eat. She would then spend her evenings listening to my grandfather’s tales of the day. 90008 90004 Times have changed. Women do not have to cook, clean, chivvy and then turn to eveningwear in order to keep their man. I imagine many women of an older generation were financially dependent on their men. 90005 90008 90004 They probably had to keep their husbands happy in order to stop them from running off with someone else.But imagine all that effort! 90008 90004 In this day and age, both partners probably work, so who is going to cook for the working mother and wife? Who is going to pour them an evening gin and tonic? Who is going to listen to them talking about their day? 90008 90004 The consequence of all this is that something has to give when the children are young and needy, and that tends to be the ability to nurture the marriage. 90008 90004 Of course, women put their children first. If you work, you see a lot less of them than women who do not, and consequently want to spend every other available minute with them.90008 90004 Women’s roles in the family and in working life have undergone a revolution over the past 50 years. Yet one thing remains the same: as soon as a woman has a baby, every single bone in her body shouts out that her job is to look after her child. It is a natural instinct. 90008 90004 Children need us to love and protect them. When you meet a man, you do not think: ‘I must look after this man for the rest of my life.’ Our relationships with our spouses are more complicated and more fulfilling than that.90008 90004 Men, however, have a totally different relationship with their children. Quite often, if you ask a man who comes first in his life — and that man is being honest — he will say: ‘My wife.’ For many men, the love of their wife is more important than that of their children. 90008 90004 What my generation of babyboomers know is that children are hard work. Marriage is hard work. The pressures of modern life and the change in women’s roles has meant we no longer live our lives following a traditional model.Our lives have become dominated by our children because that’s how we want it. 90008 90004 The truth is, of course, that children are so much nicer than men. They smell better. They look cuter. They also love us unconditionally. Of course we put them first. Why on earth would not we? 90008.90000 Judge Judy opens up about three marriages and two husbands 90001 90002 Judge Judy Sheindlin’s rulings are not always final it seems, especially when it comes to her love life. 90003 90002 The 74-year-old jurist-turned-television star is speaking out about her personal life in a rare interview, revealing that she divorced her first husband over his disregard for her career and got rid of her second husband when she grew tired of catering to his demands. 90003 90002 That second divorce was a brief one however, with Shiendlin making the decision to remarry husband number two after just one year apart.90003 90002 Twenty-seven years later, she and second husband Jerry are still going strong. 90003 90002 ‘I missed him, I missed him and I really found out — this is not to denigrate your species — actually, most men are alike,’ says Shiendlin of her split from Jerry on the premiere of the Fox News show OBJECTified, ‘ which airs at 8pm this Sunday. 90003 90002 She then jokes that while all men may be alike, Jerry was a bit different than other males his age, saying: ‘Mine had hair! ‘90003 90002 Scroll down for videos 90003 90016 90016 90002 The whole truth: Judge Judy Sheindlin (above) speaks about her divorces from first husband Ronald Levy and second husband Jerry Sheindlin in a new interview 90003 90020 90020 90002 Badgering the witness: The 74- year-old TV star was only divorced from Jerry for a year however, remarrying him when she realized ‘most men are alike’ (Jerry and Judy above in 2006) 90003 90002 Sheindlin married her husband Jerry back in 1977 while working as a prosecutor in the family court system.90003 90002 Over the next 13 years the couple rose up the ranks in the legal system, with Jerry taking a post on the New York Supreme Court and Sheindlin being appointed as a family court judge by Mayor Ed Koch. 90003 90002 Things took a turn though in 1990, leading to the couple’s divorce after 14 years. 90003 90002 It was a brief separation however, which came soon after Sheindlin lost her father, but in the end she says she learned some valuable lessons. 90003 90002 ‘I just had to come to terms with the fact that men of that generation are different,’ explains Sheindlin.90003 90002 ‘They expect, even if they have no right, they expect to be taken care of or catered to.’ 90003 90002 Things were even more difficult for Sheindlin after her first marriage back in тисячу дев’ятсот шістьдесят чотири to attorney Ronald Levy. 90003 90002 She had just graduated and was soon to pass the bar exam, but her life as an attorney on hold to be a housewife. 90003 90002 ‘It was time for me to get married. I was 20, almost 21. So I became a mom, ‘says Sheindlin of hr thinking at the time, going on to say that she soon grew bored.90003 90002 She also began having trouble with how her husband treated her desire to work. 90003 90044 90044 90002 Sustained: Sheindlin said she split from her first husband because he viewed her legal career as a ‘hobby’ 90003 90002 ‘My first husband is a lovely, lovely man but he always viewed my job as a hobby and there came a time where I resented that, ‘explains Sheindlin. 90003 90002 The two were divorced after 12 years in 1976, and the following year she married Jerry. 90003 90002 She brought two children into the relationship — daughter Jamie and son Adam — while Jerry had three children from his first marriage: Gregory, Jonathan and Nicole.90003 90002 Sheindlin’s success made her one of the first women in the country to become a judge, and yet when asked about this or if she considers herself a feminist, Sheindlin is surprisingly dismissive. 90003 90002 ‘I do not feel as if anything that has happened to me in my life was sidetracked because I was a woman,’ she reveals, downplaying her success. 90003 90002 And as for the feminist label, Sheindlin says: ‘I do not think so. I do not think so. I do not know what that means. I actually do not know what that means.Do I want equal pay with men? Absolutely not! ‘ 90003 90002 That may be because Sheindlin earns far, far more than the ‘man.’ 90003 90062 90062 90002 Amicus Curiae: Sheindlin said she and Jerry (above in 2006) split because men of his generation ‘expect to be taken care of or catered to’ 90003 90002 In testimony given back in July 2016 that was recently released and obtained by The Hollywood Reporter, Sheindlin described the unorthodox way that she negotiates her salary with CBS. 90003 90002 ‘We go to the Grill on the Alley with the president of the company.We sit across the table, and I hand him the envelope and I say, «Do not read it now, let’s have a nice dinner. Call me tomorrow. You want it, fine. Otherwise, I’ll produce it myself.» That’s the negotiation, ‘explained Sheindlin. 90003 90002 One year, a CBS executive did try to present Sheindlin with a counter offer, at which point she informed the man: ‘This is not a negotiation.’ 90003 90072 90072 90002 Appellant: Sheindlin and Jerry have been married for a total of 40 years now 90003 90002 In that same testimony Sheindlin also said that she could produce the show herself if she wanted, earning 90003.